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2:36 am…Blerg…

Posted by on April 28, 2010  about Aubrey Ann, Comments are off

I am up at 2:36 am again. I literally just finished cleaning the house, doing laundry, and creating a to do list for the rest of the week. Now I am here, and once again doing some reflecting.

In just a few days my baby is going to be three years old. It is amazing how time flies. I am so excited about her birthday, but at the very same time, I am so sad. I have said it over and over, but if I could freeze time, and just stay here in this moment, I would. Are there trying times? Yes, absolutely. But they are so outweighed by the sweet cuddles, silly dancing, made up songs about how much she ‘loves her mommy and daddy’, and funny little jokes. I wouldn’t trade these moments for anything, and I mean ANYTHING in the whole entire world. She is truly my greatest joy.

Some great things about Aubrey Ann getting older, that I have noticed in the last few months, is my new found trust in her. At one point I felt like my eyes needed to be on her every second of the day, but since she has gotten older and proven herself more trustworthy, I don’t feel the need to ‘watch her like a hawk’ unless she is near something dangerous of course. During play dates she enjoys being able to play in her friends rooms without the Mommy’s right there always. Especially when she is playing with older kids. And I trust that she is going to behave appropriately most of the time. :)

Also, she is making much more accomplishments in doing things on her own. She can now go to the potty without any help at all, and even use big potties without stools or potty seats. She also washes her hands on her own, even if they occasionally need touch-ups by mom! She picks out her own shoes, socks, underwear and pajamas, and helps mom with picking out her clothes. She is working really hard on dressing herself. She still occasionally needs help with shirts, but everything else is coming along quite nicely.

She also enjoys doing little ‘chores’ like making her bed. Even if it isn’t perfect, she tries really hard.

Also in the last few months, she has taken great strides in peddling her tricycle (even if she takes absolutely no interest in doing so, she CAN do it!) :) And she can climb the rock wall on her play set completely on her own. Also, she has gotten much better at puzzles, and can now do ‘big girl’ puzzles with little or no help from me. She is doing well on her writing, and drawing, although I don’t feel like those are her favorite activities, and her reading is getting very very good. Scary good.

It is with much anticipation that I approach the year ahead. I look forward to seeing my little one grow into the amazing young lady God created her to be!

Daughter- I love you so much, and I thank God for bringing you into our lives, everyday.

Silly Aubrey Ann!

Posted by on April 26, 2010  about Aubrey Ann, 1 comment

This girl cracks us up on an hourly basis. She is quite the comedian. Just within a couple of minutes she has said the following:

AA: I am going to buy a black fish, teach him to talk, and then eat him!

AA: Cinderella is going to live in a tobagan.
Me: How do you know about a tobagan? Do you know what it is?
AA: It is like a sled mom!

AA: Cinderella is going to see her mommy. She is making lunch.
Me: What is Cinderella’s Mommy making for lunch?
AA: Peanut butter and jelly, rocks, crumbs, and people.
Me: That doesn’t sound like a very tasty lunch.
(Both laughing)
AA: Get out of here Dude!

Me: What do you want on your birthday cake?
AA: Fish. And maybe some hair too.

Daddy: I don’t know what is holding it up, I don’t see anything under there.
AA: Maybe a bee lives under there Daddy!

This little girl is so funny. I am really grateful for all the comedic relief!

How Landon came to be

Posted by on April 25, 2010  about Family, Landon, 1 comment

Before too much time has passed I want to share how Landon was conceived. It isn’t as easy or glamorous a story as we have for Aubrey Ann, but it is real, and because of that, it is beautiful.

I don’t expect that anyone actually read this, but I need to write it down, so I don’t forget. I pray that neither of my children ever battle infertility, but in the case that one of them does, I want them to know my story.

Brandon and I had known we wanted another child before we even had Aubrey Ann. It never crossed our minds that Aubrey Ann would be an only child. The question was not whether or not we were going to have another, but rather, when.

Around the time Aubrey Ann turned 18 months we started seriously considering having another child. We wanted the kids to be somewhat close together, and we simply longed for that other piece to our family puzzle.

At some point thereafter we began trying to conceive Landon. At first we jumped into the ordeal rather half-heartedly, fully expecting that we would conceive within the first month as we did with AA, or at least within the first three months. It never even occurred to us that circumstances beyond our control could possibly hinder us from conceiving.

After about three months of trying unsuccessfully, I started to become concerned that something was wrong. It had come so easily the first time, why now, after we both know that we have the ability to produce children, would things change. But, they had.

The next few months are sort of a blur of doctors visits, endless tests, and lots of tears. I spent many days obsessing about what was wrong with me, hating my body for betraying me, for not doing what God had created it to do. I spent many hours crying and just asking Brandon to hold me. I so longed for the child that I felt my body was keeping me from having. I felt disoriented, like less of a woman than those around me, and truly heart broken. Each new month brought new fears, frustration, and sadness. On one hand it helped me to appreciate the child I had, but on the other hand, I felt and intense sense of guilt for not being completely satisfied with the one child God had blessed me with.

It took many more months before we finally chose to see a specialist to determine the cause of my infertility. Choosing to go to the fertility specialist was a difficult decision for us. We spent much time in prayer asking God what was right, and asking Him to direct our paths. It was with little sense of hope that I chose to walk into the doors of that doctors office.

I remember feeling ashamed as we sat in the waiting room, anxiously waiting to be called. It was if my terrible secret of infertility was laid bare for all the world to see. The other men and women sitting in the office strategically avoided each others eyes. I knew what they were thinking, because I was thinking it too, “What is your story? What’s wrong with you? How long of a road has this been for you?”

Meeting the doctor was as pleasant as could be expected. We left the office with a plan. I had already had many plans before this, and they had failed miserably. Perhaps this plan that was aided with the help of a specialist would help. Brandon and I both left the office knowing that we had made the right decision, but also knowing that this was likely the last step we would be willing to take to correct my infertility. The finality of that, was petrifying.

I was told to come back to the office in a couple weeks for an ultrasound to determine how my body was responding to the treatment prescribed by the doctor. Sadly, when we went in for that ultrasound they told me that it appeared that my body was not responding favorably to the treatment. I felt every last glimmer of hope shatter into a million pieces.

The next day was Thanksgiving. I forced myself to put on a happy face and face the world. I felt empty inside, and although the day is devoted to feeling thankful, in my moment of self-pity I had little desire to give thanks.

I was told to come back to the doctor the Monday morning after Thanksgiving weekend to make sure that my body hadn’t responded to the treatment. Early that Monday morning, we received news that our dear friends had lost their son, Landon, in a car accident late Sunday night. Brandon and I were shocked, saddened, completely devastated. Landon had been loved by so many, and was truly a light to this world, how could this possibly be? Sadly, we headed to the doctor with tear soaked eyes, and heavy hearts. We made apologies to office staff and doctors upon entering, letting them know that we had lost someone very dear to us, and we were not able to keep our emotions intact.

As the doctor performed the ultrasound, I remember seeing him shake his head back and forth. He told us he regretted giving us more bad news today, but my body had not cooperated with the treatment, and I was most assuredly not pregnant. It felt like a gray fog had filled the room. On the way home, we both simply sobbed. For Landon, for his family, for our child who we began to honestly believe, would never be.

After returning home Brandon and I held each other close in bed. Not speaking, only whimpers coming from us both. There was nothing to be said. Landon was gone. His parents, were undoubtedly experiencing a pain that makes every mother and father shutter to think of. Our baby, who we wanted so desperately, was still not conceived.

In that pit of despair, I felt an odd sensation. A sudden sense of comfort, as if the very hand of God had rested on my shoulder. It was a feeling I had not felt in a long time, possibly since we began trying to conceive. What is this odd feeling I am having? Oh, I remember. Peace. A peace that surpasses all understanding.

I am not a person who lightly claims that God has spoken to her. In fact, I daresay that I have NEVER uttered the words, “God told me…” Other than the moment that I turned my life over to Christ, I have never felt such an incredible sense of God speaking directly to my heart. Not that there haven’t been times in my life that I felt the presence of God, or his leading. I feel that everyday, but this was a direct spoken word, right to my very soul.

It wasn’t audible. There was no light from heaven, booming voice, or burning bush. But it was just as real. Suddenly, as I lay next to Brandon, the crying stopped. My heart was filled with a peace and hope that I cannot understand, or justify in any way, other than to say that God had chosen to reveal himself to me as a loving Father in that very moment. I turned to Brandon and said as sure of anything I have ever said before, “We are going to be pregnant very soon. And this time it will be a boy.”

I don’t know if Brandon believed me or not, but I know he stopped crying as well.

Two weeks passed, and I thought frequently of that sad day. I still had the hope that God had placed in my heart with me. I trusted that God would be faithful to the promise he made me, but realistically I thought it would take some time. That day, I began to feel a bit funny.

I don’t know what persuaded me to take a pregnancy test. The doctors had told me without a shadow of a doubt that I was NOT pregnant, nor fertile at my appointment only two weeks ago. But still, something in me kept nagging me to test.

The only problem was, I only had one test. It was a digital test I had saved from very early on when we had started trying to conceive. It was one of those tests that read “Pregnant” or “Not Pregnant”. I had saved it those many long months because, it had come in a two pack, and the last time I took the test, reading “Not Pregnant” was devastating. I vowed I would save the one remaining test for the day that I knew it would read, “Pregnant”.

Well, I decided to take the test anyway. I thought, “Mari Jo, you are so silly saving a perfectly good pregnancy test, just USE it already!” So I did.

It took 3 long minutes for the words to appear on the test. I didn’t even tell Brandon I was taking it, as I was positive (the doctors had confirmed) that I was not pregnant. I sat on the edge of our bathtub with my eyes fixed on the little blinking clock in the corner of the test. I remember holding my breath the same way I had for so many other tests. This seemed more intense, knowing that my fate was going to be laid out in written word in just a few moments. I had to remind myself to breathe.

And then it happened. The tiny blue-tinged window read “Pregnant”. My heart stopped. I sat paralyzed staring at the test, not believing the words I was reading could be true. I read it over and over again. “Pregnant”, “Pregnant”, “Pregnant”. It wasn’t going away, I wasn’t misreading it, I wasn’t simply dreaming. I was indeed pregnant!

The only noise that could escape my body was a scream. Brandon immediately jumped out of bed and came running to the bathroom, certain that I had hurt myself somehow. I stood up, still screaming, only this time shouting, “I’m pregnant!” over and over. I leaped into Brandon’s arms and wrapped my legs around his waist. Both of our eyes filled with tears.

Later I found out that the reason the doctors had determined that the treatment hadn’t worked, and that I was not pregnant is because I had conceived within 12 hours of the ultrasound. The odds of this happening are very very slim. We had conceived the very night that big Landon passed away. Hence the reason, we are naming our son Landon. He couldn’t have a better name. We are so honored that Steve and Danene have given us the permission to name our son after Landon. We feel so honored.

This is not a journey I would wish upon anyone, but it is OUR journey, and for that I feel intensely blessed.

Thank you God for this child, for the way he was conceived, for the timing, even when I didn’t agree with it. Thank you for speaking so audibly to my heart that day. Thank you for guiding our family in such a loving way. We love you, and are so grateful to be able to hear you voice. May you continue to bless our family with your presence and peace.

Why did you spell “Mmmmohmmmm”?

Posted by on April 23, 2010  about Aubrey Ann, Comments are off

The other day Meme and I were chatting in front of AA, and for some reason, Meme spelled “M-O-M” in the context of the conversation so AA wouldn’t be able to understand what we were talking about. AA immediately looked up and said “Meme, why did you spell ‘Mmmm-oh-mmmmm’?” We immediately started laughing. She had sounded out the word in her head, but didn’t do the ‘O’ correctly. She sounded it out so the ‘O’ made the long ‘O’ sound instead of the short ‘O’ sound as in the ‘O’ in the word “mop”. I guess it won’t be long before that little nifty parenting tactic will be useless!

Landon’s Ultrasound Pictures

Posted by on April 21, 2010  about Landon, Comments are off

Today we had another ultrasound, and it was so wonderful to see our baby BOY again! After finding out at just 14.5 weeks that we were having a boy, we were very eager to reconfirm that we are indeed blessed with a little man this time. Well, we most definitely are having a boy, and he wasn’t a bit shy about showing it! He is already nestled head down, and laying very comfortably on my left side. During the whole ultrasound he was waving his arms and legs. He was quite the mover and shaker!

Since I haven’t added any of Landon’s Ultrasound pictures yet, I am going to go ahead and start at the beginning.

6 week ultrasound

After trying so hard to conceive, seeing our little guy on ultrasound at 6 weeks felt like nothing short of a miracle. When I saw his little heart beat, I immediately broke down into tears.

7 week ultrasound

Here I could already see that Landon had grown. He looked like a little gummy bear!

14 week ultrasound

These were the pics from our 14 week ultrasound. This is where the ultrasound tech told us we were having a boy! We were both excited, but none of us were surprised. Since the day Landon was conceived we both felt he would be a boy. The first picture is of his little boy parts, and the second and third are pictures of his face, with his little hands right next to his face. Aubrey Ann was always in this exact same position during her ultrasounds. We called the pose “The Tiger Claw”.

22 week ultrasound

Here is my ultrasound pictures from today. The first picture is of his little head and spine, and the second is a 3d picture of his little face! He is so darling already! I can’t believe how big he looks! We can’t tell who he looks like just yet, I only know he is adorable!

22 weeks #2

These are a couple more from our ultrasound today. The first is another picture of his sweet little face, and the second is a picture of his boy parts. The ultrasound tech said she was 100% sure he was all boy!

Seeing his sweet little face today has made me long to hold him so much! I just can’t wait to have this little guy in my arms already!

Bedtime Prayer Time

Posted by on April 21, 2010  about Aubrey Ann, Comments are off

Tonight after we read, “If You Take a Mouse to School…” we had some prayer time like usual. I prayed and then Aubrey Ann prayed. Tonight she had a unique list of things she wanted to pray for. It went something like this..

Dear Jesus, I pray for all of my friends at school, helicopters, flowers, and the beautiful butterflies, in Jesus name, Amen.

It was a really cute prayer and for some reason I think she must have been thinking about helicopters for some reason. We all laughed and told AA how proud of her prayer we were.

Mud has never looked so good!

Posted by on April 19, 2010  about Aubrey Ann, Comments are off

I am always rather impressed with how messy I allow my kid to get. Being a Kindergarten teacher, and preschool teacher made me a little ‘mess-a-phobic’, but I am so not that way with my own. Thank goodness for that, because otherwise I would miss moments like these!

It was a day after a big rain, and AA asked ever so nicely if she could play outside right after breakfast. She wasn’t even dressed yet, but we headed out anyway, and AA soon found her way into some mud. Gotta love it!

1:48 am, how did you find me?

Posted by on April 19, 2010  about Family, Comments are off

So I am up, and completely awake at 1:48 am. I am literally doing laundry and cleaning house. Insomnia is such a bizarre symptom of pregnancy because most of the time I feel like I could fall asleep standing up! I think one of the things keeping me awake tonight is thinking about my appointment on Wednesday. We are having another ultrasound, and I can’t wait to see our little Landon again. It will be nice to reconfirm that we are indeed having a boy, and hearing AA’s comments about her brother is always hilarious!

Other than that, I find that when I am up this late (or early rather!) that my mind often wanders and I find myself evaluating my job as a wife and mother. Am I doing ok? Is AA getting everything she needs from me? How about Brandon? Am I being the best wife and mother I can be? Am I going to be a good mother to Landon? The answer is never pleasant, I could always do more, be more, get more done, relax more, work more, more, more, more. Self evaluation is never fun, but it often reminds me of the things that are really important in life. Enjoying my family, and serving them as I would the Lord, living in the moment, and being able to laugh things off occasionally, to name a few.

Now, if I can keep myself from falling asleep standing up tomorrow, I am going to do all of the above!

Mari Jo

St. Patrick’s Day 2010

Posted by on April 17, 2010  about Aubrey Ann, Comments are off

As you surely know by now, we love holidays in this house, and we make sure to celebrate each and every one. St. Patrick’s Day is no exception! Our morning always starts out with an invasion of the leprechauns. They are messy little guys and leave footprints all over the house. They also hide a surprise for us at the end of the rainbow, and even make us green pancakes. The day is packed full of green fun!

Here are a few pics from our day with the leprechauns!

Compliment? I am not so sure…

Posted by on April 17, 2010  about Aubrey Ann, Comments are off

The other day AA came up to me and asked, “How big is Yandon?” I told her that he was getting “very, very big”. She looked at my belly and said, “You have the biggest belly I have every seen!” All the while, she was gently stroking and patting my belly. Brandon and I looked at each other and started laughing hysterically. This girl is such a kick!

Little does she know, that this belly is going to get much, MUCH bigger. If she thinks it is big now, she will most assuredly think it is huge in a few more months!

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